Sometimes our pain is self-inflicted. I was probably around 8 or 9 years old one
summer. I grew up on a farm as the
youngest in our family having 2 older brothers and one older sister. You know when you are the youngest you are
always observing the others and “learning”.
I once saw my brother grab some chocolate chips out of mom’s baking
drawer. I thought one day that was a
great idea and I would give that a try.
So I grabbed an unopened bag. I
took it out to the barn and climbed into the empty silo where I knew I would be
alone. I ate the whole bag, all 12
ounces, every single chocolate chip. Man that tasted good. Even felt
good when I thought I got away with something.
Around supper time, I didn’t have the greatest appetite, but I managed
to get through it with no one being the wiser.
After supper we went to a neighboring town like we did once a week to do
our shopping and get our groceries.
After our shopping was completed and we headed home, usually I hoped
that Dad would pull into the drive in for ice cream like he often did. But on this night – I didn’t want to even see
ice cream. But dad did pull in, I was asked
what I wanted, I turned it down. Now
that didn’t seem normal to mom and dad.
They questioned me, I only confessed to not feeling good. I never said why – but believe you me, I had
learned my lesson. I was not going to
devour an entire bag of chocolate chips again.
Most of the time our pain just comes. It wasn’t what we ate, it wasn’t what we did
or didn’t do. Disclaimer: what I am about to say is not to obtain
sympathy or make myself look like someone who has gone through more than anyone
else. I know there are many with worse
experiences than mine. But mine is what
I know.
I have experienced sexual abuse, misconception, depression,
the loss of my mother, father, and sister in 3 years with not long after all
that – my sister-in-law. I have gone
through 6 surgeries and deal with several health issues. I believe God heals. I have always believed that He desires that
for every one of His children, that scripture applies to each person and is
just as relevant today as it was when it was written. EXCEPT for me. That is the way I grew up believing and into
my adult hood. I didn’t think I could
ever measure up or be good enough to receive this from God.
When I was in my early 30’s God finally got through to me
and my eyes were opened to His unconditional love. That was so amazing to me. I finally realized that God loved me right
where I am at, with every flaw, every weakness, every ounce of chocolate chips
consumed.
But even with this revelation I continued to struggle with
things that I have went through and continue to go through. If God wants to heal, then what am I doing
wrong that I have not received that healing.
But I now have had my eyes opened and my heart filled to understand that
I am healed. I may not see the
completion of this until eternal life but I know, I have the hope, and I
believe that I am healed. And through
the knowledge I have received and the faith that I have in Him, I will and do
continue to praise Him through the pain, the sadness, the things of this life
that I will and do endure.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)
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